Those of you who are having difficulties with having a child and have consulted a fertility specialist are familiar with the idea of programming of sexual activity. For maximum efficiency, you need to perform all kinds of measurements and calculations based on which to establish a "sex schedule" that you must strictly respect with your partner.
You know very well the psychic effects of this software: the decrease to alarming levels of the libido, all kinds of inhibitions and black thoughts, fear of failure, feeling of worthlessness and helplessness, depression, anxiety.
The partner must either abstain, or "perform" at fixed hours, he feels objectified and transformed into a sowing machine.
The partner becomes a disciplined but cool mathematician. There is no doubt that for some couples the scheduled sex is "death of passion".
I met a happy case in which the very exuberant partner was looking forward to having the right time for sex, and the idea that he does everything that the book feeds his libido. The sex life went splendidly during the programming period, which gave results faster than anyone expected.
How bad it can be
Unfortunately, in most situations, scheduling sex and fertility treatments are slowly but surely a huge stress factor. One lady told me one day: "I do my measurements and calculations and keep track of the stages of my menstrual cycle. We have a very good sex life and we both feel good.
But as the ovulation approaches, I begin to feel "emotions in my stomach". I come in waves and I have the feeling that I'm overwhelmed. Sometimes I have cold sweats and my heart beats strongly. I sit for days in a state of unbelievable agitation, almost as if I feel physically trembling with emotion and fear. Everything disappears when I realize that I missed another chance to get pregnant. "
Many women with fertility problems, who are in a position to schedule their sex and libido on the ground, are also under the pressure of time because they are close to the end of the fertile period. This is an additional stress factor. They feel as if they are on the edge of the gap: "A task is required to appear as soon as possible!"
The stress response
Depending on the temperament of each one, the atmosphere in the couple, other individual and social factors, but also the severity of the situation we are in, we are affected by stress to a greater or lesser extent. The mathematical programming of sex has an unbeatable logic and really gives results. But stress can sometimes be so strong that it will hamper all our efforts.
Stress is one of the causes of infertility. Psychic stress has somatic (organic) effects by releasing specific hormones. The activity of stress hormones affects both male and female fertility, inhibiting the production of sex cells, sexual hormone activity and sexual dynamics as a whole.
As if that wasn't enough, the stress of programming lowers your libido. Sex becomes a tool we use in order to have a child so that, slowly, we forget what he has offered us so far: pleasure. We forget to enjoy it and, in fact, whether we have children or not, sex can make us feel great with our partner. But when attempts to bring a child into the world repeatedly fail, we almost come to believe that sex is a useless tool.
On the other hand, programmed sex can amplify some pre-existing problems such as certain inhibitions, false beliefs, anorgasmia, lubrication disorders, poor communication in the couple or even problems of the couple's sexual dynamics.
Scheduled sex lowers libido. What to do?
Besides the difficulty of having children, the biggest problem of the partners is the perimeter of the motorboat of the one who once kept them awake until the wee hours of the morning: the key to having sex, so ... of pleasure.
In order to perform optimally the function of reproduction, Mother Nature associated her Pleasure. A pleasure so special that the human being most often seeks it without the purpose of making children (and even avoiding it by ingenious means). When we discover sexual pleasure, it becomes very important and, along with other parameters, it participates in our various positive or negative states, in building personality and in personal evolution, in the decisions we make in life, etc.
The problem is that in the minds of women (because they most often suffer from a loss of libido), the desire to bring a child into the world is placed over time in the desire to seek and experience sexual pleasure as a goal in itself. As if the first is more important, more "serious" and more "mature" than the other. This happens especially if they face fertility problems. This is one of the main reasons why sexual desire is greatly diminished.
Unfortunately, some beliefs circulating in the society, more or less verbalized, but deeply ingrained in our consciousness, give unfavorable qualifying sexuality. It is part of the entertainment chapter and at the same time it retains the unquestionable importance it plays in our daily lives. Those who complain that the loss of libido threatens their fertility are probably the most able to appreciate these words.
First of all, do not dramatize the situation you are in. It may take a little effort, but you can model the way you see it. Pessimism and negative thoughts are food for stress, and stress decreases your chances of becoming pregnant. It is of no use to your pessimism, even if you say that you are rather "realistic".
It drives away the temptation to believe that sex has become one of the daily chores, one of the long line of things you have a duty to do. Otherwise it gets to stress you just the thing that relaxes you in the past.
When you have a lot on your head (daily stress, social pressure along with fertility treatment) you come to say: "Only for fun I don't think." It is not good to get over the problems. You also need relaxation. In fact, one of the most enjoyable methods of relaxation is sex itself. Where the hell is ... free!
Compartmentalize your day and your mind. Try to be efficient in solving daily problems, then draw the line and leave them "in a box" at the bedroom door.
Reserve a time of day, as much as you can afford, and a corner of the mind and dedicate them to the methods of enriching the erotic side of your couple's life. It seeks to have no other purpose for you than to bring harmony into your intimate life. It finds within you the desire to live a simple pleasure as an end in itself (without any other interest).
Don't think about fertility unless the idea that you can get pregnant makes you feel a pleasant warmth in the body. If the thought of pregnancy tightens your heart for fear of failure, set it aside. Give yourself a chance. Choose from all your experiences the positive ones, seek your pleasure and that of the partner. Be convinced that if you lengthen some thoughts you do not give up on your plans (you only create the right environment for them to fulfill). And be convinced that you can do it with little effort.
Surprises with ... morale
Not once was I told: "I struggled for years to give birth to a child, and when I gave up fighting, when no one expected anymore, I became pregnant." It has happened to many women that for some reason they give up, give up the fight or deviate for a while from the "fertility program": "Next year we move and, until then, we decided not to try to do more children ". "In the last two months I had no time and simply forgot to do my ovulation tests. Now my menstruation has delayed ..."
In such conditions a welcome distress occurs, the sexual life returns to natural, unforeseen manifestations and it has not happened once that this has just brought the surprise of a pregnancy.
... and the moral is that ...
Some women can use them to take a "vacation", at least from time to time. A period in which to implement nothing of what the fertility specialists recommend and withdraw.
"I take a break from relaxation. I will not give the impression that it delays bringing a child to the world because the stress is unbearable anyway. So I better disconnect than try to get pregnant and all I get to do be stressed and frustrated. I do not expect from this break time to bring my pregnancy. I will do it exclusively for the sake of my mental peace. I ignore for a while the desire to get a pregnancy. I do not think and do nothing for it. . "
It is very important that you do not have hidden expectations for this holiday. You are completely disconnected from the whole idea and strategies related to fertility. You occupy your mind with something else. Have a real vacation.
How do we prepare scheduled sex?
Often, the period of decreased libido due to the programmed sex overlaps with that in which, in many couples, boredom and sexual routines occur anyway. There are many factors that determine your sexuality and how it is stimulated or inhibited. Sexual impulses come easier to some and more difficult to others.
Having a flourishing sexuality for a long time is not easy. Sexual life knows favorable periods and others of decline. However strange it may seem, from time to time it is necessary to intervene and make certain efforts to avoid slipping.
What tastes do you have for sex?
When it comes to sex, not everyone "tastes" the same things, but what is certain is that everyone has certain preferences. Strange for some, natural for others, the erotic signals emitted and the ones we are sensitive to are extremely different from one person to another. There are signals: looks, attitudes, gestures, running touches, positions, outfit, style, but also mystery, play, fantasy, self-confidence, desire, even all kinds of thoughts, mental images, fantasies, etc.
They are often unconscious, with a major impact on the psychic level, but all the more important because they can create (within you, but also the partner who perceives them) the state of availability for the sexual act.
How do we prepare scheduled sex?
In sexuality, the power of anticipation can create disasters or real wonders. She is the mechanism by which the fear of failure gives us so much headache and emotions, she is the one that makes us like the butt of sex when we expect to frustrate our "programming" and "uselessness" ... and all the power of anticipation. it makes us vibrate at the mere thought of having a splendid sexual experience.
On this principle you can work so that your intimate moments, even if they happen "by the calendar", are expected with warmth. You can speculate the power of anticipation for the blossoming of sexual life. Why expect a failure due to lack of libido when you can only get excited at the thought that you will live a memorable experience.
• Propose yourself and your partner that each time you make love you make each other a sexy surprise. Look for ideas among your own fantasies, in books, magazines, etc. You will find all kinds of methods and tips. It is not necessary to follow them step by step. Adapt them to suit you, but do not shy away from new experiences.
• Devote (both separately or together) time to serious study of sexuality and methods of pleasure. Bring your daily priorities into the concern for sex relaxation. Be curious, knowledgeable and open minded.
• In order to fully understand and live your sexuality you need to understand yourself first and foremost as a being with complex needs. Remember the good times when you were vibrating at the thought of a secret meeting. Make room for these adolescent experiences in your life again.
• Press releases. Put aside all the other topics of the day and talk openly about what you like and what not when having sex. If you find it difficult to talk, use an indirect method of finding out: "interrogation method". You ask your partner and he will ask you: "Do you like this? How would you like it more? Do you want something specific?"
• Do not give up oral sex, even if it does not bring you a pregnancy. It's nice and that's important.
• Don't tell me "I'm not interested in sex anymore". Don't know how to get it over with? A little effort, courage and confidence.
• Do something you haven't done before (or haven't done before). For example, completely cleanse your pubic area, take a tour of sex shops (you don't necessarily consider this a promiscuous thing). Rediscover the sexy woman in you.
• Does the calendar say that the time has come for sex and you feel like you don't want to? A simple trick with immediate effect: go into the bathroom and stimulate your genital area with the shower, as much as you need to warm yourself up and lighten your appetites. You will feel much more available.
• Prepare the moment beautifully. The classic candles, bath with foam and champagne are excellent. I know the case of a 35-year-old lady who never had a sexual act that would impress her. Suffering from anorgasmia. That was until one evening she gave her partner a bottle of champagne. They had crazy sex and ... had orgasms. A good glass of wine can disinhibit you and ignite your senses.
• If you want, make a booklet with ideas and plans. Write in it everything that goes through your mind to make your sex life more dynamic and exciting. Here are a number of keywords that you deserve to embrace: play, casualness, energy, dynamism, optimism, humor, ingenuity, curiosity, fantasy, scenario, mystery, tenderness, love, kindness, refinement, lust, feelings, manners, perfume, lace, strawberries, whiskey, chocolate, a good wine ... Choose what you like from here and enrich your sex life.
An article, a book or ten books, will not change your sexuality unless you actively seek to participate in this quest, looking inside you. Because your sexuality is there, not on a screen or on a sheet of paper.
If all your writing and advice about sexuality seems ineffective, you are expecting too much from them. The method of change is in your hands and must be adapted to the particular situation in which you are. General advice is meant to provide a "skeleton" that you can build.