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The wrong question parents ask about children

The wrong question parents ask about children

The way you ask a question is extremely important, it directly influencing the answer you receive. A wrong question attracts not only a wrong answer, but also inadequate reactions, decisions and opinions. To avoid failures in solving the problem, you must learn to ask the right questions, which will generate the correct answers, wise decisions and efficient solutions.

The wrong question generates a wrong answer

Many parents with their first child ask the same question again and again. Questions like:

• What do I do when my child hits?
• What do I do when my child is not listening?
• What do I do when it's challenging?
• What do I do when I don't want to sleep at night?

Finding an answer to such questions should not be a daunting task. Especially in an era where almost everyone has unlimited access to the internet. Books and magazines are full of different answers. Parenting specialists, friends, family, everyone seems to have a solution to your problem. Not many times, they fight each other, and the answer you choose will determine how you treat your child and the actions you take towards him.

Take, for example, the question "What do I do when my child is defiant?" The first answer that goes through your head and automatically accepts you is to punish you for inappropriate behavior. But what do you do when the child continues to be defiant, even though you took his tablet and phone or banned him from going out with friends in town for a week?

By punishing him, you only give him additional reasons to challenge you and to confirm, in a subconscious way, your opinion about your own child: that he defies you and that he is naughty. And this is how you enter a vicious circle: the more you punish him, the more challenging it becomes. The parent-child relationship will suffer, and the child's behavior, instead of straightening up, will get worse. You will not spend a day without arguing. The child will cry, often forcibly, engaging in a struggle for power that will eventually take you down. And you will feel defeated.

The reason for the defeat is simple: the answer to your question was wrong, because the question itself was formulated incorrectly.

How to ask the right question to get the right answer?

If you feel that you are in a permanent struggle for power with your child, if you come to the conclusion that nothing works as you wish and that your relationship is tense, then you are most likely given a wrong answer to a question. wrong. Here's a much better question to ask: WHY?

• Why is my child hitting?
• Why is my child not listening?
• Why is it challenging?
• Why doesn't he want to sleep at night?

A question that starts with the phrase "why" emphasizes the person, not the problem. This change of perspective will help you look at your child in a different light, ultimately causing you to react differently.

When your questions start with "why", instead of "what do", the answers that will be outlined in your mind will be completely different. For example, the answer to the question "why the child is defiant" may be this: he feels left out. The next question that comes to your mind automatically will be: "why does he feel neglected?" There are different answers here, depending on the situation. Coming to the world of a brother, a parent too absorbed in work, who has no time to spend his weekends with him, moving to a new home, all these examples are a stress factor.

Whatever the reason for the change of attitude, the result is the same. A defiant child does not need to spend time with himself, but of time spent with the parent. In his vision, the adult cooled him. The child who defies his parent, in fact, feels the need to reconnect with him. He needs to feel safe and loved. You can satisfy this basic emotional need by spending more time. You will see soon that the defiant attitude will disappear.

Tags Questions children