I was a sensitive and silent child, the kind who does not move if he goes to visit somewhere. I didn't even talk when I was asked, because I didn't have the courage. Instead, I had many moments when I was violent and wicked. I didn't know what was going on with me. I felt an uncontrollable anger and I just knew how to react.
My life was full of question marks. When I started to deal with myself I still had that anger in my soul, and for me, my parents carried most of the blame. I was reminded of words that hurt me and laughter hotels that made me still feel humiliated. Some words lasted longer than footprints.
I felt that my life was just beginning when I had my own family, my own worries, when I could make decisions without fear, without asking permission. I could have an opinion and much more courage. I felt that I had changed for the better and that I was appreciated. But the anger ... it was still there. Old words were carved in my deep mind, like the bark of a tree.
I got pregnant and I decided to give everything for the little ones to grow up in a healthy environment, not to make the mistakes of my own. It was good for me to read articles and books and this time I learned that my parents never wanted my bad. They didn't know what I'm doing, they had no where to get information, maybe they didn't even know I was suffering. Then I felt it was time to forgive.
We, the parents, are not born with the lessons learned. He does not write in our DNA how to deal with difficult situations with his own child or how best to proceed to increase his self-esteem, responsibility and trust. Parenting is learning, and we have to look for time and resources. A few years ago I knew this.
My mother's love and family harmony make me truly happy, and this erases my old feelings. I think I put more emphasis on the present, I enjoy what I have become and what I have, and the past remains behind. It doesn't even matter how much I feel when I see my chicks bloom.
Until recently, looking back, I only remembered moments when I was sad and that marked me in one way or another. I realized that this is bad for me, because there were many great moments in my childhood. I just had to scrape after them, bring them to the surface.
I smiled thinking about trips, the animals in the grandparents' yard, the pond where we used to swim, the friends in front of the block, the vacations spent at sea and many more. I was so angry that a movie was put on my beautiful memories and I forgot that there are more important things that deserve attention.
I then asked myself the question: "Is that the most important thing I learned from my mom and dad?".
My parents loved each other very much and taught me that the couple's harmony keeps their feelings alive. As a child I wanted to be part of this and I am sure that because of them I have been looking for half and now I live such a beautiful story.
I managed to think of wounds that were bleeding a lot. I wanted to get up and go with my forehead up because my little ones needed me healthy and strong. I understood that I cannot live in the past and nothing helps me with anger.
I have not fully healed and I think the relationship with my mother is sometimes cold because of my feelings. It's hard for me to say a trivial "I love you". I didn't even tell my dad and I was sorry when I realized I would never have the opportunity. But I love them and am good now because of them.
I am Luiza, that silent and still sensitive child. I write about us, about a life full of emotions on the blog emotiidemamica.ro, but you can find me Facebook.com/mamisicopilul.
Childhood tags Impact of child quarrels Children's memories